Non-Stress . . . Ha!
I go a few times a week to my OB to get a non-stress test (NST) which basically measures the baby's heart rate and how it responds to movement. It's kind of ironic that it's called a non-stress test because lately they have sure been causing me a lot of stress. The first several times he did well but then one day he didn't, and they had to proceed to a biophysical profile ultrasound (BPP). I was worried about what that might mean but he passed the BPP with flying colors, as usual, so that made me feel better. Then it happened again the next time I went in for the NST so they started scheduling me for the BPPs anyway just to make sure I'd be on the books for it and I wouldn't have to wait around for availability (we were there for 2.5 hours that day).
So although he always passes the BPPs it seems that his heart rate is not as reactive as it should be which, I guess is to be expected considering everything. When he moves his heart rate should increase in response to the increased demand for blood and oxygen to his body, but it's not. Just further proof that he is going to have a hard time once he's out in the world. BUT yesterday he passed the NST and didn't have to have a BPP, so, I don't know. That's the thing, I just don't know for sure about anything these days. I know I'm going to have him but I don't know when, I know I'm going to lose him but I don't know when. I know it's going to be hard but I have no idea if I will pull through or fall apart.
A Tiny Baby
At my last growth ultrasound we found out that the baby's size/weight has dropped from the 30th percentile (from the last time), to the 14th, which is a big jump. Again not something to be surprised about but I'm just worried that at the next one in a few weeks he will measure below the 10th percentile which would fall below what is considered the normal range. He is going to have enough problems when he comes out he doesn't need low birth weight to be added into that. So it's just upsetting. My poor little guy.
A Good Day
This week we had our pediatric cardiologist appointment which is always nerve-wracking because we could find out that the baby's heart has gotten worse, or he has started developing hydrops, etc. This time the doc did not find anything much different than the last time, so that's good news. Even the clot in his left ventricle had not gotten any bigger. The only thing was that he said due to the evidence from the NSTs that the baby's heart is not very reactive, that is further indication that he would not do well during the labor and delivery process. So, further indication that I will have to have a c-section. I wish it didn't have to be that way but I certainly want to do whatever it takes to ensure that he makes it out alive.
I had also invited my parents to the appointment, so they could see what the fetal echos are like, and get a chance to talk to the doctor. Only my dad was able to make it. My doctor is really great, and after talking to him I think my dad feels just like I do that I am in very good hands. He has had negative experiences with doctors in the past so I was glad that he could see I have a good one. His name is Dr. Stock of Arizona Pediatric Cardiology Consultants and he and his whole team are so wonderful and caring. I would recommend them to anyone.
Time is Flying
Today I hit 35 weeks which means only 5 weeks to go. Actually it means that it could be any day now. It honestly scares. the. shit. out of me. I'm not ready for this to be real! (Uh, not that I'll ever be ready.) I'm sure most pregnant women are nervous and scared about delivery day but . . . this is a little different to say the least. I'm not nervous about remembering everything in my hospital bag, I'm not scared of the pain. I'm pretty much sure I'm having a c-section anyway. But that also means I'll be stuck on the operating table for at least 30 minutes after he is born, getting stitched up and all that. What if he doesn't make it that long? This is, right now, my biggest fear and I can't even continue writing about it because I'm starting to cry.
Reality is starting to set in. I feel that I'm starting to unravel. I couldn't even go to work yesterday or today because my anxiety is so high. I just can't stand the thought of going through another day pretending everything is ok. I have this weird clash of emotions going on inside me, of not wanting to see or interact with anyone, but also not wanting to be alone. What do I do? People keep telling me I'm so strong . . . I really don't think so. I'm scared that this is it, I'm done. I've crossed over into crazy land and I don't know how to get back.
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