Clot
At our appointment this week with the cardiologist they found a clot in the baby's left ventricle that wasn't there last time (2 weeks ago). This doesn't really mean anything except to confirm/support the previous findings that his left ventricle really wasn't doing much of anything. So the clot is evidence that the blood is just kind of sitting in there, coagulating. There's not really a danger of the clot coming out of the ventricle because well, if blood can't even make it out, how will a clot? There is a possibility of it growing so large as to start coming up out of the ventricle and it could start to block the atrium, but the doctor didn't make it sound like that was something that he was worried about at this point. Additionally, due to lack of use, the aorta where it comes out of the ventricle has become very small, kind of atrophied I guess. But, he has not yet developed any signs of hydrops, which is what his cardiomyopathy can progress into, and which would mean that his heart has declined so much as to begin to affect the other areas/systems of the body, and then I think they would want to take him out. So, overall this week it was good news, he's still doing good, which means that he gets to stay inside for now!
Nature is Amazing
It continues to amaze me how nature has created such a perfect environment to sustain life. Event with a heart that barely functions, somehow our little guy continues to grow and thrive, being connected to me. Each time we get an ultrasound to check his "biophysical profile", he passes with flying colors! My amniotic fluid is great, baby is growing on schedule, he's SO active, just movin' and groovin' all the time in there! It's just so mind-boggling that he is fine right now in every way, except his poor little heart just won't be able to sustain that once he comes out. It almost makes this harder to take, than if there were also other things wrong with him. Someone hurry up and invent an artificial womb! We'll just connect him to that once he comes out, and he'll be fine. :)
Technology is Amazing
Yesterday we went to get a 3D/4D ultrasound. I thought it was important to try and capture as many moments and memories of him as possible. (Especially with the possibility of him not even making it out, this might be the only way to see him live in action.) I just couldn't pass up the opportunity and I found a great place in Chandler called Stork Vision, and it was only $169, so not too bad. What a cool experience this was! My mom, dad, sister and brother where there, in addition to Steve of course. We got tons of great pictures and video of him! It's crazy how realistic the photos are, it looks like just a regular picture of a baby almost. We got to see his little hands and feet (feet look just like dad's), he smiled a bit and even opened his mouth/moved it around almost like he was talking. It even looks like he has a dimple! I'm so glad we were able to have this experience and share it with my whole family.
Getting Harder
Although I still feel that I am doing amazingly well coping with this, it continues to get harder and harder every day. I'm constantly stifling the emotions that are persistently welling up inside me. I don't really know if that's the best thing to do or not, but it's what I'm doing. It's getting harder and harder to focus and concentrate at work as my mind wanders . . . even at home, I find that I can't even pay attention when watching a tv show or movie, so I just end up not watching it. I'm in desperate need of distractions, but nothing will work anyway, so I just sit there being numb and blah. I kind of feel like I'm sitting in front of a tsunami just calmly watching it inch closer and closer, and waiting for it to envelop me. I just hope I don't drown when it gets here.
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