B.L.D.

It’s been over two months since I gave birth and I’m finally getting the strength to blog again . . . barely. I’ll have to tell this story in a unique way because you see; I don’t really have such a good memory of events. You’ll understand why as you read on. During this time I tried to be really good about updating my Facebook status as the events unfolded, not only to keep my friends and family up to date on what was going on, but also to serve as a record of what happened later – boy am I glad I did that! So I’ll tell my story in terms of Facebook status updates, mostly mine, some from my husband Steve and sister Lisa. 

This is the story of the Birth, Life and Death of Phoenix Randall Van Zant.

JULY 30TH 2012

Me 10:15am
I'm at the dr and they found that the baby is still ok but my fluid is very low so they are sending me straight to the hospital. I'm not sure exactly what is going on yet but I think they are going to induce me, they said I'll probably have the baby within 72 hours. I'm really freaking out. Right now I'm just sitting here waiting for them to tell me what is going on then it will be off to the hospital. I'm scared.

Me 11:35am
Arrived at banner desert triage

Me 1:41pm
Ok they are going to get me settled in at labor and delivery, to begin induction. So we are looking at probably tomorrow morning for him to be born.

Me 4:29pm
I'm settled in my room and they've given me my first dose of cytotec to get things going. I think I'm kind of still in shock that this is all actually finally happening. I'm so scared for what's to come, and I know the next few days, or however long we get, are going to be the hardest of my life. I hope I make it through. Thanks everyone for all the loving support you are giving us!

JULY 31ST 2012

Me 12:07am
I'm just about to get my 3rd dose...not a whole lot happening right now, going to try to get some sleep. The wifi here sucks and also I can't get a good cell signal either so my phone is pretty much useless. But I will try to update when I can! Will probably be 12-24 more hours before the baby comes. Night night for now...

Me 6:35am
Morning everyone, still no real news. Got another dose at around 4:30, they'll come in a few hours to check me and see if anything's happened, and decide what they will do next. Been getting a little sleep off and on throughout the night.

Me 9:27am
They haven't given me anything more yet. I'm having regular contractions but they are light, not really feeling them much. Waiting for the dr to finish rounds and then come check me for dilation and decide what to do next! I'm hanging in there but pretty stressed/anxious/emotionally drained. Wish this could be an exciting and happy time instead of what it is...

Me 10:21am
Ok they came and gave me another dose, they have been really painful to get and this last one was the worst, I don't know why it hurts so much :( they are going to give me fentanyl before the next one.

Me 5:42pm
Unfortunately still not much to report. I'm 90% effaced but still only 1cm dilated last time they checked me a few hours ago, and gave me another dose of cytotec, which didn't hurt as much this time thanks to the pain meds. Then I took a nap for a little while. About an hour and they'll check me again and see where we're at. Still having pretty regular contractions and I'm feeling them more and more now so that's good. So other than that just sitting here being bored! :)

Lisa 9:33pm
Michelle and Steve are sleeping through the women's gymnastics finals! But they are holding hands and its really cute. So glad they have eachother.

Me 11:01pm
Ok, they are starting pitocin now, so things will start to happen a little more now. Will still be several hours though. I'm nervous and scared and starting to feel like I might not be able to get through this mentally :(

AUGUST 1ST 2012

Me 12:53am
Getting a little more painful now. I wonder how long I'll last before I ask for an epidural lol. I'm not really scared of the pain at all. It's just the unknown of what's going to happen after that I'm terrified of. Trying to just focus on the task at hand right now though...

Me 4:28am
All this time and still only 1-2cm...my contractions have been every 3-5 minutes but not too painful yet. They said it was normal to take a really long time getting to 4cm.

Me 9:03am
Since I wasn't really progressing they went ahead and gave me an epidural so they could start heavy on the pitocin and see how the baby does. If he starts to show signs of distress they will take me to c-section. Might only be a few more hours. My sister has coordinated with Kelly from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she is standing by. My dad is here too and my mom and brother should be here soon too. I'm terrified of only getting a few moments, or none at all, with our baby. I am really struggling to keep it together, but I think I'm doing my best! Thank you again to everyone who is out there supporting us.

Me 11:34am
They broke my water and the contractions are getting more intense now, and I can still feel them pretty good, I don't know maybe I'm resistant to the epidural...

Steve 5:07pm
Michelle Van Zant just got wheeled into the O.R. for a C-Section and is being prepped. I am waiting for them to let me in before they begin.

Lisa 6:44pm
I'm an aunt! Good God this kid is cute. :)

Steve 8:13pm
Phoenix Randall "Randy" Van Zant
Born August 1st 2012 @ 5:13pm weighing in at 4 lbs 14oz.

AUGUST 2ND 2012

Me 12am
What a trying day...induction was moving so slow, epidural didn't work, re-do epidural didn't work, different type of epidural med didn't work, I went through so many strong contractions (and catheterization) without much pain help, baby wasn't tolerating it well either anyway so proceeded to c-sec. Spinal block took several tries too, but finally got it in and it took. (Can't even explain what a relief it was to stop feeling those contractions. I don't know how people do it natural!! Ugh.) Finally got baby out though and he is doing well! Every family member who was here got to hold him, we got lots of good pics ourselves and from NILMDTS. Cardiologist came and did an echo and confirmed the same findings that they had while he was inside, but they also said since his ductus was really open still he is doing ok and they think we WILL have a few days at least. He got a little formula - I don't have milk yet :( - had a bath, now it's finally bedtime for our little family. All in all things are going as good as I can hope for. For the moment, I feel peace.

AUGUST 3RD 2012

Me 1:30am
Can't sleep so just wanted to make a quick post. I just want everyone to know that although I haven't been able to respond much, I have read each and EVERY one of your comments, likes, messages, texts...I just can't even begin to describe the amount of gratitude I have for all of the support everyone is giving us. I have never felt so much love in my heart. Thank you everyone!!

Steve 9:04am
You have earned the achievement: Shower of Pee! - Get peed on by baby boy while changing his diaper. 10pts

Me 2:30pm
They just came and took baby Randy into the next room for another echo to see how he's doing. We didn't know what time they would come so all day today we have just been waiting for them, snuggling and cuddling, feeding, burping, changing, taking and posting lots of pics and reading everyone's comments, just spending a lot of good quality time. The time has been passing by so fast but today has been nice and slow. I've yet to get any really good rest so I'm pretty exhausted and out of it. Also sometime today a social worker is coming by to help discuss what all would need to be done if he is still with us on Sunday when I am discharged - yes there is a possibility that we could take him home! I'm so overcome with gratitude that we've been given this much time, I can't even describe all the emotions that are pouring out of me like an avalanche. I love you Steve, my wonderful supportive husband, and Randy the new love of our lives!

AUGUST 4TH 2012

Steve 5:35pm
Our little angel left us today around 2:30. He almost made it 3 full days. We did not expect him to be with us as long as he was, so every minute was a blessing.

Everyone's love and support for us during this past week has been remarkable. We are very thankful for the kind words that have been expressed.

We made many memories these past 3 days with our little man.
Michelle Van Zant was able to breast feed.
We all got to squeeze into a hospital bed together to snuggle.
We shared changing his diapers and feeding him.
I got peed on.
We had fun with bacon.
I let him listen to the first Led Zeppelin song I ever heard.

He got to meet his grandparents Cathy and Mike, his aunt Lisa and uncle Joe, his great Grandma R and great aunt Bambi.

The time we got to spend with our baby was very precious and we cherished every moment we had.
In our last moments we laid in bed and he just looked into our eyes. We had a nurse capture our last moments together.

Our baby is now with both of my parents, Erica and Randy Van Zant and will be missed until we can meet again.

Phoenix Randall "Randy" Van Zant
08/01/12 - 08/04/12

Lisa 6:23pm
My heart is in a million pieces... Randy was such a precious gift and I will forever be grateful for the time we had with him. Thanks for stopping by little man, you have changed our world. We'll love you forever...

Me 8:13pm
Just left the hospital (we asked they discharge me a day early). Hardest thing I've ever done in my life was to leave him there. I'll never hold our sweet baby again..


There is sooo much more to be said. So much has happened, so much has been done, said and felt since that day two and a half months ago. Everything from struggling with getting my breast milk to go away, to attending my first support group, to going back to work. But I just can't. I can't do it right now. It's taken everything out of me just to copy and paste from Facebook and relive the events. 

Almost every minute of every day is a struggle. I do have some good times. Mostly bad. There's no way to even describe it right now. Although those closest to me are grieving too, they don't know the true depths of my depression. Most of my time is spent pushing it down. Writing brings it back up. I badly want to continue blogging but as of right now I can't say for certain that I will.

Thanks for reading our story.